Ask Amy: Facing loneliness after a friendship is put to the test

Dear Amy: Several months ago, I confessed to one of my best friends of 10 years (we’re both women) that I felt extremely close to her and that sometimes I had more than platonic feelings.

We were drinking in excess and shared a long, intimate hug. This was more than a platonic hug, but we discussed the situation and buried it. The issue is that she has a wife, and so do I.

This created a lot of personal anxiety and fear that she would cut me off or that our relationship would change. All of us (spouses included) were extremely close.

After the “event,” we continued to hang out regularly, and everything appeared to be normal, but on the inside I was struggling with major depression and drank in excess.

A month after this encounter, I texted her and expressed that I felt hopeless and that I wanted to give up. (I had just left her house where we were all drinking heavily).

After that night, she told her wife what happened and completely cut me out of her life.

I understand that space and distance was necessary, and since then, I’ve reduced my alcohol consumption and stopped using social media.

I have come to terms with the fact that our friendship is likely over, but I have basically shrunk down by not engaging frequently with our mutual friends. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but mostly, I feel somewhat exiled from my tribe.

I have been honest with my wife and we have worked through it. This situation has caused me to take a long, hard look at myself.

I am worrying about what others think of me and how those relationships were impacted.

I feel a little lonely and lost.

Maybe I shouldn’t shrink down. Maybe I’m punishing myself, but maybe I deserve it. Your thoughts?

– Exiled

Dear Exiled: I’m going to do an end run around your current relationship issues and take a stab at what I believe is at the center of your predicament: Your drinking. Alcohol is lubricating all of this drama. Your alcohol use is also inflaming your depression, because alcohol is a depressant.

Your depression is inspiring you to ruminate on your perceived losses. Your depression, along with your embarrassment, is causing you to “shrink down” and punish yourself.

But you might think of this shrinking down as marking the beginning of your recovery.

Forthright and professional assessment and treatment for your depression will help. Counseling (perhaps with your wife) will guide you to a new level of honesty.

Sobriety will help you to climb out with leavened perceptions and confidence.

Your friends – your real friends – will stick with you. Let them.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)